In my pain psychology clinics online, and in-person in Milton Keynes, it’s a question I often hear from people living with chronic/persistent pain, fatigue, or long-term health conditions:
“How do I explain this to other people?”
Whether it’s colleagues, friends, family — or even your own GP — putting your experience into words can feel like trying to explain colour to someone who’s only ever seen in black and white.
And let’s face it: most of us don’t want to bang on about our symptoms. But neither do we want people to assume we’re fine because we’re smiling, upright, and wearing mascara.
So today, let’s unpack that question together — gently, practically, and with a good dose of honesty.
Why It’s So Hard to Explain
First of all, you’re not alone if you struggle with this. Explaining an invisible, fluctuating, or misunderstood condition can be emotionally exhausting. There’s often a fear behind the question:
- “What if they don’t believe me?”
- “What if they think I’m moaning?”
- “What if I can’t find the right words?”
Add in brain fog, pain, or fatigue, and it’s no wonder many people just shrug and say, “I’m fine,” even when they’re not.
But here’s the truth: you deserve to be understood — and heard — without needing to perform or defend your pain.
Start With What You Want Them to Know
Rather than sharing your full medical history (unless you want to), you might find it easier to stick to these three gentle truths:
- This is real.
“I live with [chronic pain/fatigue/condition]. It might not show, but it affects me every day.” - It varies.
“Some days are better than others. I might look fine but feel awful, or the other way around.” - I’m still me.
“I’m still doing my best. Some things take more effort than they used to.”
Short, honest statements like these can open the door without overwhelming people — or you.
What to Say When You’re Tired of Explaining
Sometimes you just don’t have the energy (or the emotional bandwidth) to spell it all out again. And that’s okay. You’re allowed to protect your peace.
Here are a few phrases you can keep in your back pocket:
- “It’s a long story, but I manage a long-term condition. I appreciate your patience.”
- “I’d rather not talk about the medical side today — let’s just catch up.”
- “Thanks for asking. I’m coping, but today’s a tough one.”
- “It’s not always visible, but it’s very real. I appreciate you listening.”
You get to set the tone. You’re in charge of how much you share — and when.
When People Don’t Understand
Let’s be honest — some people just won’t get it. Not because they’re bad people, but because they haven’t walked your path.
And that’s frustrating. It can feel invalidating, even lonely.
If you’ve ever been told:
- “You’re just stressed.”
- “But you look great!”
- “Have you tried yoga/green juice/being more positive?”
…then you already know the sting of being misunderstood.
But here’s what I want to say to you:
You don’t need to make it make sense to everyone.
The right people will listen. The right people will believe you.
And the people who don’t? That says more about their capacity than your credibility.
Tips for Talking to Different People
Medical Professionals
Use practical language. Focus on how your symptoms affect your daily life. It’s okay to bring notes or ask for time to explain fully.
Family & Friends
Try analogies: “Imagine trying to walk through treacle with a backpack of bricks.”
Let them know what helps: “Just listening means a lot.” “Could you remind me it’s okay to rest?”
Workplace or Colleagues
Keep it simple and clear. “I live with a long-term condition that affects my energy/pain levels. I manage it, but there might be times I need flexibility.”
Final Thoughts
You don’t owe the world an explanation — but you deserve understanding.
If you’ve ever sat there wondering how to explain it, feeling like the words are trapped somewhere between your body and your voice — I get it. Truly, I do.
So here’s your permission slip:
✔️ You can say as little or as much as you like.
✔️ You can change how you explain it from day to day.
✔️ You don’t have to be “convincing.” You just have to be you.
Because you are more than your condition. You are a whole, complex, courageous human — and anyone lucky enough to be in your life should want to understand you.
Wishing you a less pain day,
Dr Sue