When you live with chronic pain, kindness toward yourself is not a soft option, a luxury, or something to get around to “when things settle down.” It is a vital, daily necessity. Yet so many people I work with tell me they feel weak for resting, lazy for needing breaks, or that they’ve somehow failed when pain makes everyday tasks harder. These beliefs don’t come from nowhere — they come from long-held cultural messages about resilience, productivity, and “pushing through.” But they simply don’t match the reality of living with ongoing pain.
As I say in my pain psychology clinic (in Milton Keynes and online) the truth is this: you deserve compassion, especially on the difficult days. Chronic pain demands so much from your body and mind. It tightens muscles, steals energy, disrupts sleep, and wears you down in ways that are often invisible to others. People may see you walking the dog, making dinner, or showing up to work, but they don’t see the physical effort required to get out of bed, the planning that goes into every activity, or the recovery time you need afterward. Pain is relentless — and when you add harsh self-criticism on top of that, it only increases tension, stress, and suffering.
Self-compassion isn’t “giving in.” It isn’t self-indulgent. And it certainly doesn’t mean you’ve lowered your standards. In fact, it is one of the most effective, science-backed ways of soothing an overworked nervous system. When pain is present, your body is already in a heightened state of alert — muscles tighten, breathing becomes shallow, and stress hormones rise. Compassion helps counter those effects. It encourages the parasympathetic nervous system, the part responsible for calming and recovery, to gently switch on. This can make pain feel less threatening and less overwhelming.
One simple starting point is this: the next time you’re struggling, ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend who was feeling what I’m feeling today?” Most people would offer comfort, understanding, patience, or reassurance. You might say, “You’re doing your best,” or “It’s okay to rest,” or “Today is tough, but it won’t always feel this way.” Yet when it comes to ourselves, we often deliver the exact opposite — sharp words, judgement, and impossible expectations. Offering yourself the same compassion you’d naturally offer someone else is not weakness. It’s emotional intelligence. It’s nervous-system regulation. It’s healing.
It may help to remember a few truths on the days that feel harder:
Rest is allowed. Rest isn’t a reward; it’s a biological need, especially when pain is high.
Limits are allowed. Your limits don’t define you — they simply guide you.
Bad days happen. Pain fluctuates; nothing about this is your fault.
Needing help is human. Accepting support strengthens you; it doesn’t diminish you.
Consistency, not perfection, is what keeps you going. And every time you choose compassion over criticism, you make your load a little lighter. You acknowledge your humanity. You respond to your pain with care rather than punishment — and that is the foundation of real resilience.
Remember: you are doing the best you can in circumstances most people will never fully understand. Pain challenges not just the body, but identity, confidence, independence, and emotional wellbeing. But even on the toughest days, you’re still here, still trying, still finding ways to navigate your life. That deserves recognition and warmth.
You don’t need to be hard on yourself to cope with pain. In fact, kindness heals more than you realise — emotionally, physically, and psychologically. Treat yourself with the gentleness you’ve long deserved.