If there’s one thing I’ve learned as a Consultant Health Psychologist working with people with chronic/persistent pain for over 25 years, it’s that chronic pain doesn’t just affect the person living with it—it impacts everyone around them. And when it comes to romantic relationships, well, let’s just say that pain has a way of inviting itself into bed and becoming the ‘elephant in the (bed)room’.
Whether you’re dating, married, or in a partnership, navigating the tricky terrain of chronic/persistent pain while keeping your connection alive can feel overwhelming. But here’s the good news: love can thrive—even when pain tries its hardest to hog the limelight.
Let’s dive into how chronic/ persistent pain can affect romantic relationships and how you can work together to keep the spark alive.
Communication: The Glue That Holds It All Together
Here’s a truth bomb: when chronic /persistent pain is at play, misunderstandings can multiply like rabbits! Your partner might think, They don’t want to spend time with me anymore, while you’re just trying to conserve enough energy to make it through the day.
This is where honest communication becomes your superpower. Talking openly about how you’re feeling—both physically and emotionally—can clear the air and strengthen your bond. It’s ok to admit, “I’m struggling today, and it’s not you—it’s the pain.” Likewise, invite your partner to share how they’re feeling too.
Pro tip: Schedule regular “relationship check-ins.” This doesn’t have to be formal—just a chance to ask, “How are we doing as a team?”
Redefining Intimacy
Chronic /persistent pain can sometimes put the brakes on physical intimacy, and that’s tough. But intimacy is so much more than just what happens in the bedroom. Small gestures—like holding hands, sharing a laugh, or even just sitting quietly together—can be just as meaningful.
If physical closeness is a challenge, get creative. Maybe it’s a foot massage instead of a back rub or cuddling on the sofa instead of a long embrace. The key is to focus on connection, not perfection.
The Power of Partnership
Here’s something that doesn’t get talked about enough: chronic /persistent pain can make you feel like a burden. You might worry, Am I holding them back? or Do they resent me for the things I can’t do anymore?
But let me tell you something—true partnership is about lifting each other up, not keeping score. Yes, your partner might have to pick up extra responsibilities sometimes, but that doesn’t mean you’re not contributing to the relationship. Emotional support, love, and shared laughter are just as valuable as ticking off chores.
If you’re the partner of someone with chronic/persistent pain, remember this: your presence and understanding matter more than you know. A little patience and empathy go a long way.
Navigating the Tough Days
Let’s face it—there will be tough days. Days when the pain is relentless, and tempers run short. On those days, give each other a bit of grace. It’s okay to take a step back, have some quiet time, and regroup.
One strategy I often recommend is to have a “bad day plan.” This could include practical things like who will take over certain tasks, but also emotional support strategies, like agreeing to check in with a quick hug or kind word.
Celebrating the Wins
When chronic/persistent pain is a constant companion, it’s easy to focus on what’s gone wrong. But don’t forget to celebrate the wins—big and small. Whether it’s enjoying a date night, taking a short walk together, or simply making it through a challenging day as a team, these moments deserve recognition.
Final Thoughts
Chronic/ persistent pain might change the way you navigate your romantic relationship, but it doesn’t have to define it. With open communication, patience, and a willingness to adapt, love really can conquer all—even the toughest days.
And remember, if you’re struggling to find your way, don’t hesitate to seek support. Whether it’s couples counselling, individual therapy, or just talking things through with someone who “gets it,” help is out there. Alternatively you might find some suggestions in this book helpful, via Amazon:
Managing Chronic Pain in The Family
So here’s to love—messy, beautiful, and resilient. Chronic/persistent pain might be part of your story, but it’s not the whole story. You and your partner have the power to write the next chapter together.